Junkyard Wisdom

There may be no job more difficult than raising a child. I was certainly unprepared that day when D’Aun looked at me and said, “Guess what!?!” Finding out that we were about to be parents was wonderful. Of course, the overwhelming joy was mixed with a touch of fear!

My adorable daughter - this photo makes me laugh every time I see it

As with most young parents, the news made me pause and reflect on the amazing responsibility of having a child. But to be honest, I didn’t do much to prepare myself for that responsibility. Rachel was a great kid growing up and it felt like all those parenting books were for people who simply didn’t get it. The parenting books certainly didn’t seem like something I would need to read.

About the time Rachel turned twelve, D’Aun started talking to me about what it meant to be an adolescent girl in this world. At first I didn’t get it — okay, let’s be honest, I still don’t understand adolescent girls. But D’Aun was persistent and felt that I should read a specific book to understand as much as I could.

Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher woke me to a world that I knew nothing about. This groundbreaking book explores the struggles that girls face as they become women. Before Half the Sky explored the importance of women from a global perspective, Reviving Ophelia explored issues on a more personal level specific to the United States.

I was flabbergasted by what I learned about eating disorders, depression, low self-esteem, even suicide. It was a stark picture of our society failing to serve girls at a critical point in their lives.

Now, I’m cynical enough to realize that a lot of statistics need to be taken with a grain of salt. If it helps their cause, social advocates of all types manipulate such data to manipulate our hearts. But the lack of that bias is what made Pipher’s work so important: the data is well researched, well reasoned, and is presented without all the apocalyptic angst. This is a well-written pragmatic book that can even get through the thick male skull of a knucklehead like me.

The book changed the way I raised Rachel. It became abundantly clear that the one thing girls needed was confidence, and they got that through love and clear boundaries. The success stories in the book showed loving fathers who balanced discipline with patience, and consistently reinforced positive self-esteem. Saying “I love you” is not enough. You have to say “You are the best, and I love you” as you give them clear behavioral guidelines.

Rachel’s future would have been good even if I had never read the book. But it certainly helped me be a better father, and I think that helped her be a better person. Of course, her success is mostly the result of her own hard work and my influence is just part of the puzzle in raising a child. Certainly her mother’s influence was as strong or stronger than my own. As was the positive input from Rachel’s younger brother Jedd, her extended family, and her many good friends. Not to mention her deep faith.

But as I look back at the last 15 years or so, and I realize that my little girl enjoyed high school, did well in college, completed her master’s degree, helped start a program to combat human trafficking, married an exceptional man, did research in India, lived a year in Thailand, opened an art studio … I can’t help but be proud.

I had a little something to do with that. Reviving Ophelia gave me insights I needed to be a good father. And that’s why it’s #23 on the list of books that most influenced my life.