My 2016 predictions weren’t perfect, in part because they weren’t crazy enough. Who knew 2016 was going to turn out so looney? So here goes for 2017.
- The big Silicon Valley news is that Twitter goes bankrupt because nobody wants to buy them. They announce the news on Twitter but it takes a few days for anybody to notice.
- President Trump is outraged by the bankruptcy because his platform for saying ridiculous things is silenced. He asks Vladimir Putin to buy the company.
- China continues to expand the illegal “islands” in the South China Sea by dumping all of the worthless Chinese real estate mortgages into the ocean. Land prices begin to fall when people realize the Chinese really are making more of it.
- The San Francisco 49ers fire their second head coach in two years, hire a new coach, and chart a course to have their worst season in decades. Oh, oops, sorry, that was last year….or was it?
- For the 58th consecutive year I will not watch the Grammy Awards, the Tony Awards, or the Golden Globe Awards. People will be stunned at my lack of hip cultural knowledge. And I’ll be fine with that.
- Drones will begin delivering Hamilton tickets to a lucky few who find a golden ticket in their sustainably made gluten free seaweed topped paleo pizza soaked in Sriracha sauce made from pure virgin butterflies.
- The stock market will crash when Goldman Sachs suggests it’s wildly overvalued. Then it will rise when Goldman Sachs suggests it’s oversold. Then it will crash again as Goldman Sachs changes their forecast. Millions will lose their pensions from the whiplash. Goldman Sachs will report record earnings.
- Hollywood will produce 1,845 sequels to established brand movies like Star Wars, Rocky, Harry Potter, James Bond and Marvel Comics. Movie studios make a fortune until a drunk Brad Pitt says within hearing distance of a TMZ microphone, “Shhhhh…they are all the same script.”
- After decades of research, the Mayo Clinic publishes a report in the American Journal of Medicine that a half bottle of wine each day is an antidote to cholesterol, high blood pressure, Alzheimer’s, heart disease and cancer. Robert Mondavi Winery takes over Johnson & Johnson.
- Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May ask me to join them on a road trip across Northern Italy and Switzerland. I was just about to join them when the San Francisco Giants called to say they needed my help in left field. Maybe I’ll go in 2018.
Wishing all of you a Happy New Year!